So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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