I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
