i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize