your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
