This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
