Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
