I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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