Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
