hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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