there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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