Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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