I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
