I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
