Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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