Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
