is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
