she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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