if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
