There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
