Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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