Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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