I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
