Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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