allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
