i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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