i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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