Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
