Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he fucked my hip out of place.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
