You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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