you guys were way drunker than both of me
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
