She is in my trunk
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
