Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
