when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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