epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
