I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
