I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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