This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
