Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
