ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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