he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
