It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
