I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
