hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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