she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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