I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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