So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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