Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize