he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
