i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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