I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
