You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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