I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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