I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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