You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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