my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
