K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
there's paper in my vomit.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
