dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize