I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
