she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
