so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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