just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
