I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
