the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
